Panic Attacks

Hello friends!

Two blog posts in two days - now this is a record. But today's post is a little more serious and a little more personal than the last. Yesterday, I read Zoella's blog post about panic attacks. I have no idea how I hadn't read it before now, considering it's been on the internet for around three years, but there you go. So having heard her story, I thought I would explain mine too.

My experience with panic attacks hasn't necessarily been the longest of struggles, in fact they began fairly recently. As I may have mentioned, 2012 was by far the worst year of my life so far. As far as I'm concerned, it's one big black hole I choose to forget about wherever possible. But around September time of 2012 was when I had my first panic attack.

I had been out with friends in the evening and when I got home, I discovered that my mother was staying over her boyfriends for the night, so I was home alone. That had never been a problem for me, in fact I usually enjoy being alone for a while. However, I was in a pretty dark place at the time, and while it was easy to be okay around friends as I was always distracted, things tended to turn ugly when I didn't have something to think about. I don't actually remember much about the night so I can't say for certain what triggered, but I would assume the feeling of anxiety came along with the feeling of loneliness and depression. I found myself getting upset and locked myself in the bathroom to calm down, except it didn't quite go to plan. I broke down completely and began to feel really short of breath. My chest was tightening, I felt dizzy, and I was hysterically crying, which I'm sure did not help. I don't know how long I was like that for - it felt like forever, but was probably around fifteen minutes. It was one of the scariest thing I've ever experienced.

After the first attack, I didn't have another for what seemed like ages. I thought it may have been a one off, but when it happened again, I recognised it immediately. I was in a night club, in the busiest room. I had been drinking, so my senses were already heightened, and I found myself being pushed back towards the speakers. Again, I felt dizzy and my chest was tightening. But this time, a huge group of my friends were there watching me, asking me what was wrong. I felt like I was being suffocated and I just wanted to get out. The feeling is honestly inexplicable - like everything you feel, hear and see blur into one huge, overwhelming mess.

After that occasion, the panic attacks have since become more of a regular thing. I don't suffer terribly, I can still live my life normally, but I'm always wary that something will go wrong and I'll start panicking. One of my biggest fears at the moment is panicking in a lecture at uni, or somewhere out in public during the day. Most of my attacks have been in night clubs, crowded spaces or at least at night time. It's embarrassing being in university and going out with new people, only to end the night prematurely with panicking and crying that I honestly can't control, especially when the new people I'm out with think I'm just being stupid and drunk-crying.

When I panic, I've learned that there are a few things I need to happen in order for me to calm down. I don't know if these apply to anybody else, but just in case you're ever out with me and it happens (who knows?!), here are my please dos and please don'ts.

1. Please just get me outside as quickly as you can.
2. Please don't ask me what's wrong. The likelihood is, I'll struggle to reply with "I can't breathe."
3. Please try to find some water for me. I promise I'd ask for it myself if I could.
4. Please don't try to make me do stupid exercises to calm me down. Like Zoella pointed out, saying the alphabet, counting your fingers or anything of the sort only frustrate me more, and that unfortunately doesn't help.
5. Please find a wall for me to sit upright against. I'm not really sure why this helps me, but it does.
6. Please don't try to hug me or rub my back, or anything like that. It just makes me feel like I'm being suffocated. Crowding around me feels terrifying too, since that was what probably caused me to panic in the first place. What might help, however, is a cheeky squeeze of the hand. Sorry in advance if I squish it. 

So that's all I can think of, really. I thought I would make this post because I've heard a few comments about panic attacks lately that haven't particularly thrilled me. They're really not cool, so please try to be understanding, and all I can do is apologise for ruining your night or stressing you out. I hope this helps at least somebody!

Until next time, darlings!

xoxo