Panic Attacks

Hello friends!

Two blog posts in two days - now this is a record. But today's post is a little more serious and a little more personal than the last. Yesterday, I read Zoella's blog post about panic attacks. I have no idea how I hadn't read it before now, considering it's been on the internet for around three years, but there you go. So having heard her story, I thought I would explain mine too.

My experience with panic attacks hasn't necessarily been the longest of struggles, in fact they began fairly recently. As I may have mentioned, 2012 was by far the worst year of my life so far. As far as I'm concerned, it's one big black hole I choose to forget about wherever possible. But around September time of 2012 was when I had my first panic attack.

I had been out with friends in the evening and when I got home, I discovered that my mother was staying over her boyfriends for the night, so I was home alone. That had never been a problem for me, in fact I usually enjoy being alone for a while. However, I was in a pretty dark place at the time, and while it was easy to be okay around friends as I was always distracted, things tended to turn ugly when I didn't have something to think about. I don't actually remember much about the night so I can't say for certain what triggered, but I would assume the feeling of anxiety came along with the feeling of loneliness and depression. I found myself getting upset and locked myself in the bathroom to calm down, except it didn't quite go to plan. I broke down completely and began to feel really short of breath. My chest was tightening, I felt dizzy, and I was hysterically crying, which I'm sure did not help. I don't know how long I was like that for - it felt like forever, but was probably around fifteen minutes. It was one of the scariest thing I've ever experienced.

After the first attack, I didn't have another for what seemed like ages. I thought it may have been a one off, but when it happened again, I recognised it immediately. I was in a night club, in the busiest room. I had been drinking, so my senses were already heightened, and I found myself being pushed back towards the speakers. Again, I felt dizzy and my chest was tightening. But this time, a huge group of my friends were there watching me, asking me what was wrong. I felt like I was being suffocated and I just wanted to get out. The feeling is honestly inexplicable - like everything you feel, hear and see blur into one huge, overwhelming mess.

After that occasion, the panic attacks have since become more of a regular thing. I don't suffer terribly, I can still live my life normally, but I'm always wary that something will go wrong and I'll start panicking. One of my biggest fears at the moment is panicking in a lecture at uni, or somewhere out in public during the day. Most of my attacks have been in night clubs, crowded spaces or at least at night time. It's embarrassing being in university and going out with new people, only to end the night prematurely with panicking and crying that I honestly can't control, especially when the new people I'm out with think I'm just being stupid and drunk-crying.

When I panic, I've learned that there are a few things I need to happen in order for me to calm down. I don't know if these apply to anybody else, but just in case you're ever out with me and it happens (who knows?!), here are my please dos and please don'ts.

1. Please just get me outside as quickly as you can.
2. Please don't ask me what's wrong. The likelihood is, I'll struggle to reply with "I can't breathe."
3. Please try to find some water for me. I promise I'd ask for it myself if I could.
4. Please don't try to make me do stupid exercises to calm me down. Like Zoella pointed out, saying the alphabet, counting your fingers or anything of the sort only frustrate me more, and that unfortunately doesn't help.
5. Please find a wall for me to sit upright against. I'm not really sure why this helps me, but it does.
6. Please don't try to hug me or rub my back, or anything like that. It just makes me feel like I'm being suffocated. Crowding around me feels terrifying too, since that was what probably caused me to panic in the first place. What might help, however, is a cheeky squeeze of the hand. Sorry in advance if I squish it. 

So that's all I can think of, really. I thought I would make this post because I've heard a few comments about panic attacks lately that haven't particularly thrilled me. They're really not cool, so please try to be understanding, and all I can do is apologise for ruining your night or stressing you out. I hope this helps at least somebody!

Until next time, darlings!

xoxo

Why Eating Is Important: Concert Edition

Hello friends!

So I have a tale to tell, and hopefully, a lesson will come from it. But in honesty, it's mostly about some more wild misfortune on my behalf.

Yesterday, I went to the O2 in London to see R5. I was extremely excited, seeing as I had such a good time the last time I saw them. I was up bright and early at 5:30am without even having trouble getting out of bed - I was SO ready. So after a four hour journey to London, we reach the point where they day begins to go swiftly down hill. As we were on the tube to North Greenwich, I began to feel really sick. Not just the horrible feeling in your stomach, but the next stage, where every part of your body is silently screaming "oh god, I'm actually about to throw up." A truly horrible start.

So as we arrive at the O2, my gut instinct was proven correct and (TMI alert) I pretty much threw my guts up. Gone were the minimal nutrients of my McDonalds snack wrap breakfast. And I'm certain that I'm not alone when I say that the last thing you want to do after being sick is eat, so popping somewhere for lunch was well and truly off the cards for me. I just joined the queue and felt sorry for myself for a solid four hours. On top of the sicky feeling, I was also shivering uncontrollably. No matter how much I tried to warm myself up, or how many jackets I had draped over my body, I just couldn't stop. I was hoping that moving into the venue itself would warm me up, but that wasn't to be either. And this is where things take yet another turn for the worse.

Let's weigh things up here. I had been up and about since 5:30am after just over four hours sleep. I was running on empty because of my little stomach mis-hap. I was shivering as if Elsa had just struck my damn heart with the coldest of ice blasts. Things really were not looking good, and it really didn't come as a surprise when I started to feel faint. I was struggling to stay on my feet, and after classily blacking out in the bathroom, a member of staff took it upon themselves to escort me to the medics room, which meant I missed the support acts, which is a shame. After being poked and prodded, they declared my blood pressure and sugar to be low and summoned me to buy some food. And reluctant as I was to eat, I honestly felt so much better once I had. I still wasn't right, but I was better, and felt well enough to be able to actually enjoy the concert.

So with my new found energy, I sang, clapped and cheered my way through R5's set, which was absolutely fantastic, may I say. We were treated with a surprise appearance from The Vamps, too, which was awesome. I may have had an awful build-up, but they certainly didn't disappoint. Here you go, have a picture.

So what's the lesson here? Well, what I learned from the whole day was that it's really important to look after yourself on the day of an event like this. And here is how I recommend you do so:

1. Stay hydrated. Drinking plenty of water is a good thing, but also try to drink something with some sugar in it, like full-fat Coke or fruit juice. My blood sugar is what let me down!
2. Sleep when you can. I didn't sleep on the bus to London and I really should have. I also should have gotten more than 4 hours the night before. A school-girl error on my behalf!
3. Eat! Even if you're feeling sick, or you're not particularly hungry, you need to eat something. Because it's going to get hot in there, and who wants to be that lame person who faints and has to be dragged over the barrier lacking consciousness in front of people they idolise?
4. Bring emergency drugs. I was genuinely ill yesterday, aside from my stupidity. I would have killed someone for two paracetamol every four hours just to stop the cold sweats and headaches.

So that was my day yesterday! Not the best concert experience I've ever had, but we live and learn. I hope that none of you ever have the misfortune of going through something like that (because meeting some of your favourite people and being so out of it that you can barely remember the encounter truly sucks) and that all your concerts are filled with fun and good health!

Until next time, amigos!

xoxo

Valentines Day: Forever Alone?

Hello friends!

So another Valentines Day is upon us. Another single Valentines Day in my case. But guess what? I really do not care. I can't be the only one who has noticed this, but this year more than ever has seen an all time low number of people complaining about being single on this dreadful 'holiday'. Finally, people are starting to realise that it's the least important thing ever. The fact that this is a day some people see as a reason to hate themselves for being alone is a horrible thought. So you didn't get a £1 rose and a card - ho hum! It's really not the end of the world. I'm rubbish at receiving gifts, and even worse at buying them so the whole concept is a horrible thought for me anyway. 

This is just a short post to express my gratitude for the shrinking importance of Valentines Day to the single community. It's also an opportunity to voice my slight disgust at every other post on all social media sites being a sickly picture of a bunch of flowers and a poorly constructed declaration of love, followed by a few emojis. But I'll leave them to it - I suppose it's slightly heart-warming.... deep down. Ish.

Also, if you don't have plans for tonight, much like myself, here are a few suggestions as to what you could do instead!

1. Pamper yourself.

Why not? Have a nice long bath, or a shower if you'd prefer. Slap on a face mask, paint your nails. Moisturise! Do girly things. 

2. Eat. 

Think about it. Go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates on Valentines Day. Nobody will suspect that you're about to take them home and indulge in an entire Milk Tray in one go, will they? 

3. Drink.

One bottle of wine, minus one Valentine = more for you. Have a giggle! Or if you don't drink, make yourself a monster hot chocolate. You do you.

4. Filmathon.
Two options here, either stay in with a pile of your favourite DVDs (or your laptop... not that I condone piracy, children....) and view in the comfort of your own home, or go to the cinema. It's always amusing and/or uncomfortable to watch the endless PDA Valentines Day promotes!

5. Laugh at Valentines memes. 
Really. They are brilliant, and if you haven't seen any yet, I'm pretty sure you're living in a cave. Here are a few favourites!

Happy Valentines Day, loners and lovers! xo